That's the av I've been using. I did a search on "Jacques" and found a guy who couldn't be the more perfectly stereotypical Jacques. So I photoshopped in the monkey head, which took some resizing, tilting, flipping, a little blending and other tweaks. Then I spent a while hoping the guy who's pic I used wouldn't run across it and feel insulted, until I saw a short by David Lynch and realized it was a character in a movie.
So that's me, "Jacques the Monkey".
Yes, this is an excuse to post. Bad day.
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I'm trying to psych myself up to draw. Finish the Sharon Mitchell, do a shot of Diane Lane that's made up of smaller discreet segments that are easy. Not really a Diane Lane fan, but I liked the photo enough to tear it out of a magazine many years ago. Trying to decide whether to finally finish that drawing of Dana or rip it up. Or burn it.
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I'm trying to build again...in a mood for drawing, painting, building, too many things to do all at once. Can't stay focused. Not ballpoint sketching, though, not feeling that much. Bad sleep, bad mood, bad life. There's no happiness here, nor peace. Just endurance, and no point to it that I can see.
I'm working on a project for Jesseca - her design, so I can't show it to you. A ccouple of free-sitting shelf items, with bases that I'm working in plastic sheeting and strips. They'll soon be supplemented with putty, though I have to test the putty on something else to get a feel for it. I've read that this putty has a grittier finish than I want - the same brand sells a porcelain finish which I'll probably have to get soon. That's one part of the piece, the second major section is getting a Pluffy core that I'll either use stiffer clay on or the putty.
There's another figure I'm going to try to do in 1/12th scale. The hands are going to be so small, bet that won't be easy! I've a full-length photo of the subject sized for study, and a wire armature with the correct pose standing in a wooden block. I also have a couple of old Aurora figure kits in that scale, so I can study the shapes from there...though the models are simplistic and stiff, I hope to make mine more lifelike. Must keep reminding myself it doesn't have to look any better than a beginner's work. I hope I can capture a likeness, and I want fluidity in the pose. Not sure yet how I'm going to build the base for it...materials, shape, area.
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The last time Dana appeared in any of my dreams was...last October? Whenever the hell the World Series was. I remember that because baseball isn't my thing, and I wondered why it was a motif. Probably Lucy Van Pelt and the football.
She had me tossing a baseball to her in practice for a game. She stands fairly close to me, so it's not hard to get the ball to her hand...but because I cannot get it right into her very palm she never tries to catch it, will not move her hand or close her fingers around the ball. While she doesn't voice it, her attitude is that I cannot get it right so she's unobliged to do her part in this exercise. I actually start to believe it, too. Toss after toss, she just stands there while I fetch back the ball to try again, feeling incompetent. On the last toss, the ball went right to her hand, half in her palm and she let it fall away. I fetch it back yet again, and she leaves to attend something. She comes back almost immediately, sitting in right front of me to read a book and pretending I am not there. Feeling ill done by I squat down before her, lay my hand gently over hers, and ask quietly "Are you ever going to make an effort to catch the ball?" She refuses to meet my eyes, and I cannot see hers as her bangs hide them, but she lets out a wail of anguish and frustration that is almost a sob. She doesn't indicate whether she feels bad for both of us or only for herself. The dream held no hint of warmth toward me from her.
Hearing that sound from her made me feel bad for her then . I don't feel bad for her now, just deeply used and insulted.
Dana, someday when it's way too late, when there's nothing left to share, you'll hurt me again by saying "I'm here, I want you to understand what happened". When you do I hope I have the self-esteem to close the door in your face. There's so little left already. You won't have an excuse in the world that will be good enough. The only thing knowing you has brought me is hurt.
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Had a shitty night, and it's a shitty morning. The farther in the day goes, the angrier I'm getting. Trying to use that as an enticement to work on something, take my mind off it. I might even know the issues she's dealing with but I can't say them openly out of some disabused notion of friendship or loyalty. And I'm the one person she knew who would have been completely in tune with them. Oh, well, respect goes two ways, and she threw away what respect I had for her. It was more than she'll ever know.
It's not your secrets I hold in contempt, Dana, it's you.
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Jesus, I just did a search on Sharon Mitchell - I want to see if there are any shots of her I can get from any of her early 80s movies I can get a drawing out of - and found a link for "Sharon Mitchell obituary". Fortunately turned out not to be her. Learned that her birthday is day before mine, if her bio is real.
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I just want an explanation from her at this point. I just want to understand it. There's not going to be a friendship. Let me move on finally.
"And if I've built this fortress around your heart,
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire,
Then let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill the chasm,
And let me set the battlements on fire."
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