Mom has gone.

Tuesday.  Was going to post about it but I don't have the heart.  I spent it on Facebook, and what I didn't say there I told Jesseca.  I would share it with Dana if she asked. 

I still don't have the sense Dana has any plan to continue talking with me.  Okay.  Well, no, not okay, but nothing I can do about it. I'm determined not to ask or comment to her again, since that's the space she needs.  I didn't say all that I wanted to, but for a moment we were speaking to each other.  It's still surreal.  And cherished.  I said what was important maybe, which is simply that she means everything to me and I care about her, and she can talk with me if she decides to.  I've been saying that for thirty years, but this time she heard it.  That's...that's a lot.  For her to have spoken to me at all is tremendous.

Dana still has the drawing I did of her.  I thought she'd have thrown that away long ago.  I don't know what to think.  I must still have some meaning for her?

Anyway, she's proven to herself that she can talk to me.  She doesn't have to talk about anything she doesn't want to touch on.  I am absolutely here for her.  She just has to reach out.  She did it once, she can do it again.  I'm here.  I'm proud of her, I'm her friend, and I love her.

Oh, Dana, please don't pull away again now.  Not now.  We're so close.  At least, finally explain to me why you won't talk to me.


Hoping Dana will extend an invitation/friend request.


Still watching the fires.  None near San Mateo but the air has to be unbreathable.  She must have people she cares about in danger spots, hope they made it out.  I wish someone would tell me if she's okay.  I won't ask mutual contact  Tammy, I fear she's already feeling caught in an awkward position.  I'm deeply grateful she tagged Dana to see my post though.  I've been so overwhelmed by hearing  from Dana that I was able to deal with...yeah.

The family bullshit already started, not even a day later.  One of my brothers tried to raid the house and garage of belongings.  I don't know what some people are made of.

******
I've now faced, met, and made it through the worst grief I may ever know.  The question I'm dealing with now is: why bother?  Things are still bad and getting worse.  Moving to New Your fell through, moving in with Lore is falling through.  I can still stay here for a little while but not long enough.