Fuck the Past

It's been two weeks.  Time is messing with my head.  With mom I wonder how it could have been two weeks already, it feels like yesterday.  But with Dana every passing day feels like weeks.  It had to take a lot for her to say anything, so I know maybe she'd need time to let that register before she'd even want to see if I responded.  I get that intellectually but emotionally it's eating me alive.  I think she still wants that distance, and I think she wants it permanently.

Moony might be coming over towards the end of the week unless something comes up he needs to attend to.

Scott's having trouble too.  I don't want to take his attention away from home, he's needed there.  Jesseca is needed with her mom.  I'm here for them for as much help as I can be.  Seems like moral support is the best I can do right now, just be here for them to sound off to.

I keep fearing Dana will say that the moment for a reconciliation has passed and we missed it.  I want to say fuck the past, I want to be a part of her present and her in mine.

Did I mention already?  Mom enjoyed watching auto racing.  A week ago from last weekend my sister was getting up from a chair in the living room (remote not in hand) when the TV turned itself on, switched to a channel with NASCAR.

Keep feeling like I'm having a blood-sugar low but my numbers are always okay when I check.

I've had three more pieces of major bad news tonight.  I don't want to elaborate.  One involves the husband of a niece. 

Just been told - er, the upshot is no more art of any kind until this is settled.  Unbelieveable.  It's not natural the way this keeps piling up.  Can't help noticing, it's everyone who might be able to help me get out of this alive that gets hurt.

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Had a dream of a frog that spoke to me. Jesseca advises that frogs are a big thing in Modern-Tradition British Witchcraft and that I may have been contacted by a spirit guide.  The frog said "Look out for the broken one".  "Look out for" can be interpreted not as a warning but as an instruction to be protective or compassionate.  Within moments of our exchange, a post popped up on Jesseca's FB feed proclaiming "I'm not as O.K. as I pretend to be."  It came from a site titled "Broken", and the poster was not someone she knows directly.  I can't help but wonder if I'm being advised to be extra careful with Dana, though I never thought of her as broken.  I've always felt protective toward her, but I've also always wondered if she doesn't much care for people taking that attitude.  She's very private.

There are other aspects of the dream symbolism I need to consider, introducing much ambiguity, but none of it apparently indicates Dana.

Edit: My sister just described herself as "emotionally broken".  She wants to sell the house quickly and doesn't think I should keep my belongings.  Worse, I suspect she thinks my stuff should be sold along with everything else, the profits of which are to  be divided.  That can't be right.  So, yeah, I do have to look out for my own future.  I want my stuff but if it has to be sold, dammit, that's my money to live off of - as little as it will last!

Tried a melatonin pill last night.  Dropped off right away but slept less.

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I sent Dana a friend request.  Was going to wait 'til she gave me permission, but she's breaking my heart all over  again.  I noticed the last time she posted to FB was early June.  What was the date?  The 8th or something like that.  I just noticed from my own notes that the last time Dana appeared in any of my dreams  was the 8th of June.  Cutting and pasting:  "Thursday, June 8th.  Three hypnagogic flashes.  One was of Dana's face, beaming with joy.  She was wearing a crown (slightly tilted to her right), and she seemed to be looking at me.  This was quickly followed to by more of her face, in close proximity to me,  happy and without the crown."  Tiara doesn't make sense.  Detail points to Tammy, not Dana.

She had appeared a few days earlier: "Saturday, June 3rd.  Had a dream I was at a shopping mall with Dana.  She had short hair and a mid-light blue outfit that included a short jacket, tight  at the waist, in a checked pattern.  First we were in a music store, I bought four LPs - one of the album jackets folded out to become an actual wearable jacket.  (Hmm,  lot of emphasis on jackets here...) , then we headed into the crowd and down a narrow flight of stairs where she chose a restaurant and took a booth.  We were both having a good time."

On July 24th I dreamt of Lori Hamilton, and couldn't tell if it was meant to be Lori or a proxy for Dana.  "This morning (July 24th) I dreamt of Lori Hamilton (who looked like herself throughout, wearing faded jeans and running shoes).   We sat on the kitchen floor together, her leaning back against the oven.  Funny thing was, from her POV I was only there as a psychic transmission in her mind.  She could hear me though she didn't speak.  She held a large, hardbound book, and I had to guide her to hold it so that I could see the pages.  Across the pages was a live moving image of her as she sat before me, holding the book (imagine the book as a laptop, I guess, and my eyes the camera feeding it the image).  Then I was sitting closer and the book was gone, and maybe she was aware of my corporeal presence...she raised her right foot and rested her ankle on my shoulder, leg to my cheek, her left around my other side.  Her silence and expression were melancholic.  I gently kissed her leg, and caressed the outside of her left.  It was a profoundly intimate moment, and I wanted to make my caresses more erotic but was afraid of doing the wrong thing by her.  Her gesture contained an inherent eroticism but it seemed half-hearted, her mood seemed more sad than anything, like I was on her mind and she missed me."