Time

We still don't have all the tests in yet, but what we have is the scariest news.  I don't know if it's going to be months, weeks, days...it feels like minutes to my can't-shut-down brain.  Mom acts like she's better off than she is.  That's avoidance, which is ingrained in me.  I have it from both parents.  An organ is shutting down, there are gallstones and a mass that may be cancer.

The doctor's are incompetent.  Something was triggered by a bad piece of pineapple that set mom's moth prickling with pins.  They laugh  and scoff and say, "oh, pineapple always does that to people.  It's acidic, you know."

I never learned how to survive.  I'm not a survivor.

I also now cannot leave the house unless there is someone else here in case of emergencies.

Someone said something about getting paid (a grant) to go back to school??  Why has no one mentioned this to me before?  One of my nieces supposedly could advise me on that, if I can just get hold of her.

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I'm having to get rid of  everything.  First the trash, soon it will be the things I treasure.  All to Goodwill or the garbage.  All the projects, all the things I hoped to someday do.  Pare it down.

TMC recently aired James Cagney's movie of William Saroyan's The Time of Your Life.  I found a photograph of myself from high school, trying on the costume I put together for our stage production of TToYL.
That's me looking at a pocketwatch on a chain.  I was Tom, a simple but sweet guy who needs looking after.  My big scene with Kitty Duval in her bedroom got cut by the school principle, censorship.  First time I ever auditioned for a play, took one of the leads.  Did a pretty good cold reading for the bad guy, a mean cop,  during a rehearsal too.

I may be one of the few people who enjoyed auditions at school.  Those damned uncomfortable wooden chairs in the auditorium, I could drape myself over them like taffy and be right at home.

Dana refused the role of Kitty.  Dana could have been anything or anyone she wanted to be with me.  Why  wouldn't she let me make peace between us while there was still time?