Obstacles

Well, this blog was supposed to be about how hard it is to get past a block, right?

I'm having a shitty night and morning. 

First, though, I'll tell you that I was on a new med for high blood pressure, some thing they push for diabetics.  Damn thing had a long list of disastrous side effects.  I spent a month pumping that shit into my system before I found out that was the problem, now I've maybe gotten it back out.  My body is still having trouble. My mom has a problem now too, which might be liver disease or may be a form of hepatitis.  We're awaiting results.   If anything happens to mom, the bank gets the house.  I have no money, no job (practically unemployable especially with my health the way it is) and no one who would take me in.  I don't have a plan for survival and I don't want to survive.  I want it over with.  Some people have told me they pray for me.  I'm not ungrateful to them but I think that if a God exists he's evil and a monster.  He keeps fucking piling it on.  He won't stop until I'm destroyed, and he's hurting other people to do it.  God has taken a shit on my family and I wish people would stop fucking telling me how kind he is.

I just awoke from a dream in which a friend told me that Dana is dead.  Since her FB page is blocked I've no way of finding out.  Would someone please tell me  she's alright?  I could ask on FB but she doesn't want the attention drawn to her.

I always believed Dana would be the one to rescue me.  Jesseca would if she could but she's got a guy, she's on the other side of the continent, and I'm not financially viable.

I asked her to marry me once.  Not that she knew or would have said yes.  It was one of those Valentine's Day personals in The Oregonian.   The point was just so she'd understand exactly how I see her and that she'd know I meant it.  Figured there was a chance at least someone who knew us might see it.

The last time I tried to draw my head wasn't in it, and I missed nearly all the details I was trying to capture - didn't even see them when I looked at the reference picture, I wasn't in the zone.  It's probably salvageable but I'm back to where I have to force myself.


Oh...wanted to add that when I sent her a friend request a year and a half ago, I didn't look at her page.  Sorta wanted to but mostly dreaded it.  Someone else did, though, later, and turned a tablet so I could see.  I did glimpse one thing that made me happy.  She had used a rainbow-covered photo of herself as an av, one of those generated pics everyone used on FB to celebrate for a few days when marriage equality finally passed.  I was proud of her.  For some reason I've always had the impression that she was fairly conservative, though I don't know what that impression is based on.