No Excuse

No, no art tonight.  It's my blog, and this is what an artist's life looks like.  I don't need  an excuse to post.

Something is going on in my family.  I don't know what it is and I hope it will pass without me being drawn in.  My father 's deterioration is getting worse and his treatment in the care facilities continues to be a scandal.  Sounds like my siblings are interfering again.   When they've done this before it was done maliciously and out of rank self-interest.  Mom was showing signs today of not being fully with it today,  that scares me.  People are talking at me about my "plan for  survival",  they're all  so goddamn sure I actually want to survive.  I don't.  Not with the future I'm facing.

Dana, as much as I'm angry and hurting I still need you to be okay.  Remember, that's how we came to be where we are.  I needed you to be okay.   And my fear was not vague or general but very specific: I've never treated you like you're not capable of protecting yourself, or making your own choices, and I've never tried to change your life.  I've never spelled it out here...but, fucking christ, do I need to?  Remember the era.  No one, no one, was taking it seriously.  Everyone insisted it was someone else's problem and they were immune.  The only care anyone was taking was court-mandated.  You know what I'm talking about.  I tried to talk to you about it because I had to. 

I love you.  I always have.  Your unforgiving hatred of me over that is a wound that will not heal.   You've done so much damage, please find your heart and put this right.  All I'm asking you to do is talk with me.