No, no art tonight. It's my blog, and this is what an artist's life looks like. I don't need an excuse to post.
Something is going on in my family. I don't know what it is and I hope it will pass without me being drawn in. My father 's deterioration is getting worse and his treatment in the care facilities continues to be a scandal. Sounds like my siblings are interfering again. When they've done this before it was done maliciously and out of rank self-interest. Mom was showing signs today of not being fully with it today, that scares me. People are talking at me about my "plan for survival", they're all so goddamn sure I actually want to survive. I don't. Not with the future I'm facing.
Dana, as much as I'm angry and hurting I still need you to be okay. Remember, that's how we came to be where we are. I needed you to be okay. And my fear was not vague or general but very specific: I've never treated you like you're not capable of protecting yourself, or making your own choices, and I've never tried to change your life. I've never spelled it out here...but, fucking christ, do I need to? Remember the era. No one, no one, was taking it seriously. Everyone insisted it was someone else's problem and they were immune. The only care anyone was taking was court-mandated. You know what I'm talking about. I tried to talk to you about it because I had to.
I love you. I always have. Your unforgiving hatred of me over that is a wound that will not heal. You've done so much damage, please find your heart and put this right. All I'm asking you to do is talk with me.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Tunnel Vision
Starting to wonder if my sister isn't reading this blog. She reads the condition I'm in and makes sure to whisper at me that mom's cancer could...that if it suddenly speeds up I could have as little as two weeks.( and she wants me to believe it'll happen any minute now). Gee, nice, It's hard enough as it is to push back being suicidal. And she knows every time she does this shit I don't sleep for days or weeks. What the fuck am I supposed to do to be "ready"? Ready to do what?
Had to interrupt me while drawing to tell me this.
It also fucks with my head on what to pursue artistically. Stick with drawing and to hell with learning to sculpt or paint? Work on things that I won't have to throw away at a moment's notice - if I choose to survive? Some of this is to save my goddamn sanity, so throw it away. I'm a sentimental guy, things matter to me. So throw them away. Strip me down to a cell. Take away anything that makes life worth living.
If I'm after accuracy in portraits then the best way to draw Dana is to do a very large drawing over a callage of Post-it notes on my wall, and watch as each one falls away over time until there's nothing left at all.
No dreams that so much as hint at Dana, even by distorting them with improbable interpretation. No proxies, nothng. It's throwing stones into a pond and not even getting a ripple. She just isn't there.
How can I address Dana's concerns when no one will tell me what they are?
Day by day my life narrows with my options.
(film noir voiceover) "They tell ya there's a light at the end of the tunnel. What they don't tell ya is that the light is a flyblown bare bulb in a flimsy cage, painted over birdshit white to hide the rust. It's only there to mark the end of the tunnel, and once you've exited it's still pitch black but now there are no walls around you anymore to protect you from whatever's out there. You'll be lucky if anything or anyone really is." Yeah, OTT. (shrug)
I'm making a tool for sculpting hair/fur based on instructions from 'Creating Lifelike Figures in Polymer Clay' by Katherine Dewey. Instead of a knitting needle segment for a handle I'm using a wooden dowel. One end is a set of three sewing needles cemented side-by side. The other end is a cone that will be ridged for making impressions. It's a crude-looking construct but sturdy. I think I'll need to make another with finer needles. Both will be useful. I'll post a shot after it's Sculpey'd & baked. It's six inches long. I've some sparkly Sculpey to encase it with, purple and white.
Had to interrupt me while drawing to tell me this.
It also fucks with my head on what to pursue artistically. Stick with drawing and to hell with learning to sculpt or paint? Work on things that I won't have to throw away at a moment's notice - if I choose to survive? Some of this is to save my goddamn sanity, so throw it away. I'm a sentimental guy, things matter to me. So throw them away. Strip me down to a cell. Take away anything that makes life worth living.
If I'm after accuracy in portraits then the best way to draw Dana is to do a very large drawing over a callage of Post-it notes on my wall, and watch as each one falls away over time until there's nothing left at all.
No dreams that so much as hint at Dana, even by distorting them with improbable interpretation. No proxies, nothng. It's throwing stones into a pond and not even getting a ripple. She just isn't there.
How can I address Dana's concerns when no one will tell me what they are?
Day by day my life narrows with my options.
(film noir voiceover) "They tell ya there's a light at the end of the tunnel. What they don't tell ya is that the light is a flyblown bare bulb in a flimsy cage, painted over birdshit white to hide the rust. It's only there to mark the end of the tunnel, and once you've exited it's still pitch black but now there are no walls around you anymore to protect you from whatever's out there. You'll be lucky if anything or anyone really is." Yeah, OTT. (shrug)
I'm making a tool for sculpting hair/fur based on instructions from 'Creating Lifelike Figures in Polymer Clay' by Katherine Dewey. Instead of a knitting needle segment for a handle I'm using a wooden dowel. One end is a set of three sewing needles cemented side-by side. The other end is a cone that will be ridged for making impressions. It's a crude-looking construct but sturdy. I think I'll need to make another with finer needles. Both will be useful. I'll post a shot after it's Sculpey'd & baked. It's six inches long. I've some sparkly Sculpey to encase it with, purple and white.
Maybe it's a moth riff.
Can't sleep, and my nighttime numbers have been terrible. The new med is time-release, and I think it doesn't stay in my system overnight.
I have not had any dreams of Dana. I have had two dreams of my late parakeet dying. Two nights in a row - last night, and one just a half hour ago. In dreams past, Dana has been represented by parakeets, usually caged by someone. So, though it may be foolish, I'm responding to that: Dana, I love you. I do not know what the problem is, or whether there is one at all. I can't know if you don't tell me. I'm looking for some reason to believe in you still. Give me a reason to forgive you. Talk to me, anything at all. Just open the door, figure the rest out later. Baby, it's in your hands. It is.
(unhappy, worried)
I am going to order the Milliput delivered, the grade I need always sells out faster than I can grab it at the shop. Per drawing, I keep looking at Dana's hair and I think I see a way forward on her portrait. There might be some pics of her in whatever yearbooks I have, but it's not the past I'm looking for.
I have not had any dreams of Dana. I have had two dreams of my late parakeet dying. Two nights in a row - last night, and one just a half hour ago. In dreams past, Dana has been represented by parakeets, usually caged by someone. So, though it may be foolish, I'm responding to that: Dana, I love you. I do not know what the problem is, or whether there is one at all. I can't know if you don't tell me. I'm looking for some reason to believe in you still. Give me a reason to forgive you. Talk to me, anything at all. Just open the door, figure the rest out later. Baby, it's in your hands. It is.
(unhappy, worried)
I am going to order the Milliput delivered, the grade I need always sells out faster than I can grab it at the shop. Per drawing, I keep looking at Dana's hair and I think I see a way forward on her portrait. There might be some pics of her in whatever yearbooks I have, but it's not the past I'm looking for.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Warmth
Chanced upon a can of Plastic Wood, mostly dried out but I was able to cull a usable (just) amount from the bottom. I might be able to do a lot with this stuff for filler if it were fresh. I wonder what it costs. I used it to fill out the legs and torso on the 1/12, (white clumpy material below), then covered them in Mod Podge and paper napkins. The armature's shoulders were not high enough or wide enough, but it wasn't a problem. The wire would have been the core of each arm, now they are simply the undersides. Head a little more filled out, neck is placed without restricting the head too much, upper arms roughly done. Had to move an elbow up. Forearms will eventually need shortening to allow room for the hand/wrist subassenblies. The base disc should have been flat on the bottom but the amount of Bondene I used to texture the paving bricks warped the plastic, so it's now slightly convex and won't sit flat. It's also not a problem, as I had intended to elevate the platform anyway (currently doing that) but it's a good reminder to be careful about using too much MEK. Staff is redone proper length, and the headpiece has a base with a better shape.
This Plastic Wood puts out fumes like crazy, needs ventilation.
Right now the only concern is that the base may not be wide enough for his stance with the walking stick
.
The lesson I learned from doing Moony's picture still hasn't set in: go smaller. All my life I've wanted to do large work. Poster size! Wall size!! BIG!!! Well, my technique doesn't support that. To that end I have a sketch tablet the size and kind that I used to carry around at school. I've a bunch of smaller images ready to draw on sketch paper of 5.5 x 8.5. Don't know if the paper is a good enough grade for harder leads. Hope so, I'd like to do these. I did a half hour on Sharon Mitchell's hand but the conditions weren't amenable, I couldn't concentrate on it. Too many interruptions to focus on what I was seeing. You have to be able to...(thinking)...there's a mental process. You have to take apart the shapes, shade by shade, tone by tone and see how they flow with the greater image. You have to be able to recreate that. You have to make choices about transitions and flow of the drawn image regardless of the source.
Still can't find that pic of Nastassja Kinski but I found another from that photo shoot, and I should be able to extrapolate enough from it to reconstruct it. That is, as I said earlier, what I have is a low-quality b&w copy of the photo used to have. That gives me shapes and placement, but little visual info. Now I have a quality shot that's similar but not the same That could be interesting.
Last thing I need is more material to draw. It's all I seem up for lately, prepping new pages and then not moving on them. I have Ingrid Bergman, Anna May Wong, a whole bunch of Shanna Evans, Eartha Kitt, Theda Bara, Asia Carrera, Ilhan Omar, and someone unnamed who showed up at a rally for Omar. The Anna May Wong could be amazing with a ton of tiny details that will be a challenge.
I am having difficulty finding any image of Angel Kelly that will make a good drawing, even a simple head-and-shoulders shot. It may be that she's less known today and many of her photos have disappeared. The photography itself is not the most accomplished. I've a single photo I'd like to try to work from, best I could find but it's a typical cheesecake shot and poorly framed at that. So if I work it, I'll have to decide how much or how little to draw. None of the options work well. I might end up with just a head shot. That's okay, Angel's a beautiful woman. She always struck me as a friendly woman of quiet dignity, intelligence, and warmth, confident without an inflated ego. Wait, is there more than one Angel Kelly? (does a search) No. Okay, good. (later) Mmmm, this enlarges in my viewing program up to life-size. Loss of clarity though, details get fuzzy. So I can do an extreme zoom on her face that could be fantastic and maybe convey a mood. I love it so far and might go with that. She's got a sweet body, but it's the face that matters.
***
Depressed, despondent. Endless succession of joyless days, each spent getting by for the privilege of doing it again the next day. Obligation to stay alive for mom, for Jesseca. I'll never actually be with Jesseca again, she has her guy. I've never been able to wrench my heart free from Dana. I've tried. The last thing I want is to fall in love with someone new.
Dana, it's getting easier to stay mad at you, to hate you. When I start to remember how it feels to care about you, it doesn't last as long anymore. A few days. It makes me feel like the biggest fool for thinking of you with kindness that isn't reciprocated. It's harder to bite back making posts that I hope will hurt you. I couldn't reassure you, I can't make you cry, I can't piss you off, I can't spark anything in you that cares. If you feel anything, how would anyone know??
^Tidy little waists on those Aurora figures! Not really, they taper to fit into the upper torso pieces. It's helpful to have a physical guide to work by. When I do the pants legs I'll want to do an image search for fabric creasing.
Right now the only concern is that the base may not be wide enough for his stance with the walking stick
.
The lesson I learned from doing Moony's picture still hasn't set in: go smaller. All my life I've wanted to do large work. Poster size! Wall size!! BIG!!! Well, my technique doesn't support that. To that end I have a sketch tablet the size and kind that I used to carry around at school. I've a bunch of smaller images ready to draw on sketch paper of 5.5 x 8.5. Don't know if the paper is a good enough grade for harder leads. Hope so, I'd like to do these. I did a half hour on Sharon Mitchell's hand but the conditions weren't amenable, I couldn't concentrate on it. Too many interruptions to focus on what I was seeing. You have to be able to...(thinking)...there's a mental process. You have to take apart the shapes, shade by shade, tone by tone and see how they flow with the greater image. You have to be able to recreate that. You have to make choices about transitions and flow of the drawn image regardless of the source.
Still can't find that pic of Nastassja Kinski but I found another from that photo shoot, and I should be able to extrapolate enough from it to reconstruct it. That is, as I said earlier, what I have is a low-quality b&w copy of the photo used to have. That gives me shapes and placement, but little visual info. Now I have a quality shot that's similar but not the same That could be interesting.
Last thing I need is more material to draw. It's all I seem up for lately, prepping new pages and then not moving on them. I have Ingrid Bergman, Anna May Wong, a whole bunch of Shanna Evans, Eartha Kitt, Theda Bara, Asia Carrera, Ilhan Omar, and someone unnamed who showed up at a rally for Omar. The Anna May Wong could be amazing with a ton of tiny details that will be a challenge.
I am having difficulty finding any image of Angel Kelly that will make a good drawing, even a simple head-and-shoulders shot. It may be that she's less known today and many of her photos have disappeared. The photography itself is not the most accomplished. I've a single photo I'd like to try to work from, best I could find but it's a typical cheesecake shot and poorly framed at that. So if I work it, I'll have to decide how much or how little to draw. None of the options work well. I might end up with just a head shot. That's okay, Angel's a beautiful woman. She always struck me as a friendly woman of quiet dignity, intelligence, and warmth, confident without an inflated ego. Wait, is there more than one Angel Kelly? (does a search) No. Okay, good. (later) Mmmm, this enlarges in my viewing program up to life-size. Loss of clarity though, details get fuzzy. So I can do an extreme zoom on her face that could be fantastic and maybe convey a mood. I love it so far and might go with that. She's got a sweet body, but it's the face that matters.
***
Depressed, despondent. Endless succession of joyless days, each spent getting by for the privilege of doing it again the next day. Obligation to stay alive for mom, for Jesseca. I'll never actually be with Jesseca again, she has her guy. I've never been able to wrench my heart free from Dana. I've tried. The last thing I want is to fall in love with someone new.
Dana, it's getting easier to stay mad at you, to hate you. When I start to remember how it feels to care about you, it doesn't last as long anymore. A few days. It makes me feel like the biggest fool for thinking of you with kindness that isn't reciprocated. It's harder to bite back making posts that I hope will hurt you. I couldn't reassure you, I can't make you cry, I can't piss you off, I can't spark anything in you that cares. If you feel anything, how would anyone know??
***
The largest moth I've ever seen in person was clinging to the back screen door this morning, and still a little while ago. Beautiful thing, great big golden-brown eyes, an almost rabbit-like face, markings that had just a hint of strawberry among the tan, white, black, and silver. It's a chilly day after the heat of the last several. I blew warm breath on it to see if it was still alive, then took it gently in one hand to blow across it a while. When it stirred it turned around a few times to let me breathe on it from the front and the back alternatingly. The sun was out and warm so I carried the moth off the porch and into the yard and sunlight. It took a while, kept trying to stir. I hope it understood what I was doing...at any rate, it fell into the grass and willingly climbed back into my offered hand on its own. It fell again onto my shirt, and there vibrated its wings for a good minute or more before it tentatively flew slowly up my chest, onto my face, and finally up and away.
Second time I've resuscitated a frozen moth. The first had gotten itself trapped in the refrigerator overnight.
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