I can't deal with talking about mom right now. Things keep developing, and the last I was sure of was...it's...everyone has gathered. I reached out to FB.
Dana replied. I didn't think she would. Moony called and told me, and I was terrified of looking in in. Had to find the courage to do so.
I replied. And I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, and stumbling. My aim was not to push her or come on too strong, and I think I went too far the other way and came off cold. Fuck. She and I did that once before, miscommunicated from fear.
I just hope I haven't already blown it.
I haven't looked at her FB page, not wanting to until I'm invited to. I don't want to intrude. Jesseca checked it out, and tells me that Dana is now an artist! I hope I get to see it soon! Jesseca sent her a friend request. I hope she accepts. I am so unsure of myself, it would help if they were talking to each other for awhile.
Meanwhile...yeah. At this point I'm dreading the ring of the phone. I could almost convince myself that no news is good news.
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Sunday morning. Mom is still fighting. Went into the hospital a week ago now. God my body won't stop shivering.
I caved to temptation and glimpsed at Dana's FB page. I was right, one of her avs is the rainbow one. I'm proud of her! She had up a vid of Lady Gaga talking about hate. And...she has a picture of a tattoo - is that hers?? It says "ENOUGH" and is of a bird escaping a cage. For so, so many years I was having dreams of her as a bird not only trapped in a cage but afraid of leaving it.
And I take back everything I said about her being a coward. I hope she will tell me her story. I've always known Dana's a strong fighter and a survivor. I want to know what she was up against. It's still hard to take in that she has at least for a moment torn down the wall between us and reached out to me. I wonder what it must feel like for her to have done that. Will it make it easier to do it again?
God she's beautiful.
I want to tell her how much she means to me, and I have to hold back lest she turn away.
I think she has a new fan in Jesseca!
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Had a dream of a hummingbird about a week ago. Must have been Friday night. The dream was that a bright red hummingbird was hovering stationary at just under eye level. I approached, which it didn't mind at all...petted it, cautiously, which it seemed to enjoy. Told her she was beautiful. Her wings spread, she had white and black lines in an abstract pattern over an all-red body and wings. She seemed injured, so I took her indoors to see if there was anything I could do to help. She immediately got angry with me, bit me hard, dug her talons in until I took her back outside where she could fly away. She thought I was trying to trap her for keeping.
That next day, Karla bought a meal at Burger King and got one of their kids' toys, which she brought home and put on the kitchen window sill. It was the red bird from Angry Birds.
That took a little of the sting out, but might have been meant to punctuate it as important. It seemed pointedly cautionary. I have been afraid to interpret it, because the obvious first message is to let mom go. Maybe that's not it, as mom is holding on her own, as is her nature.
So the next interpretation that comes to mind regards Dana, though it was a week prior to her reappearance. I have to not hold on to her either. She will not be robbed of the freedom she has won for herself, that she should be proud of, that the tattoo represents. And I will never try to take that from her. But, god, I hope for another gesture from her soon. Her note to me has meant so much more to me than she can guess, it's been helping me try to make it through this.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Monday. Jesseca has advised me a few times to let go of any preconceived notions - be prepared for Dana to be revealed as never having had anything to do with the narrative I've been living with for years. No need, I'm already there! I don't know a damn thing. Honestly, I'm ready to delete this entire blog out of self-conscious fear.
My biggest dilemma with Dana right now is this: If this one message she sent me is the only time I ever hear from her again? I want to fully express to her how grateful I am, what it has meant to be. Instinctively, I want to be open, authentic, and unhidden with her. Yet if I do that, will it be too much? How cautious is too cautious? And...if I miss the moment to vindicate her gesture with my honest gratitude?
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Watching the California fires. One near Vallejo where I grew up, none close to San Mateo.
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