now

I have days.  Mom is being transferred to a hospital now after spending all night in the ER.  It has spread to other organs including her intestines.  They are deciding whether to perform emergency surgery.  Thy do not know if she will be coming home.  Jesseca may be able to get me to New York, but she hadn't planned on having to do it anytime soon.  I do not know what will happen.  My father in the care facility does not know that she is ill, but he's been having persistent nightmares suddenly that she is dying.

(no title)

I have finally learned what the doctor had to say.  If I am going to survive, I need to be out of here in a few months.  6 months to a year is the formal word. I need someone to help me be away by then.  It's not going to get easier.  There won't be any going to school here. 

closing

I am not being told the truth and my time is nearly up.  I will not have time to escape.  I was hoping to get a grant and some loans to go back to school and learn a trade, something I could use my talents or interests for but it cannot happen soon enough.  Jesseca has said that she will get me to New York and fix me up for a job somehow, even working for her but I don't see how she can. 

I love you, Dana.  I was a good friend to you.  I wish you'd known it.

Hit 'Send'

We're awaiting more tests.  Know a little more and I'm not sure what to make of it.  My sister is the only one cleared to discuss this with the doctor.  She plays things up, maybe, but my mom plays things down.  What I know is what I see.  Yesterday mom had a stent put in.  Hasn't had time to make a difference yet.

I've got things to say and no patience for putting them into my own thoughts and words. 

My new personal song.

Bleak

Things are deteriorating faster than I thought they would.  I am in a hole that I cannot get out of, it would take longer than I have.

Out of Time

Mom keeps falling asleep tonight when I talk to her.  My time is up, I think.


Those dreams I had that I believed were psychic?  The first four I ever had that felt like "that kind" of dream were of the future.  I had them back when I was in high school, and then when Dana first arrived in LA.  These dreams were set at some indeterminate point in the future, after 2010.  I dreamt that Dana and I reunited after a long rift.

There had not been any such rift when I had those dreams.  Nor did I believe in ESP at that time, yet I woke up with this puzzling certainty that the dreams had just shown me something  that was absolutely going to happen someday.

I really believed it would.  I really believed Dana would reconcile with me.


I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live with the grief that's coming, the  terror of being homeless and penniless, and I cannot face being alone.  I have nothing to live for.   I just don't want to hurt Jesseca.

The Shape of Things

Again I looked at the ref and thought I was seeing the shapes, but they went away again as soon as I started to transfer them.  What I'm putting in is rough estimates.  The bottome line will be whether the sleeve looks like leather once I've pulled it all together.  It does not look convincing to me the way it is right now.  Mostly it's the undulating surface and the way the light plays off the crests of each wave of leather, flowing into the next - it ain't there, I'm not getting it.  I'm rushing the details to fill in space, not teasing them out as I should.  I'm anxious.

This is busywork to escape thinking about the hopelessness of my situation.  I don't see a future.

My head is not in the game.  Right now my mom is in the waiting room of a clinic.  Supposed to be one of the best endocrinologists, at least.  She seems worse every day, just a  little.  One of my brothers is out on the back porch replacing a wood structure that had rotted.  Said he might need my help with the boards in a while.  I'm dreading that like crazy, because he's going to want to have a private little talk about how the future is shaping up, which will have the effect of making want to kill myself right now.  Just get it over with, spare myself the worst of it.

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I've three photos of Lori Hamilton I wanted to draw, but all of them copyrighted.  They were taken by a photographer friend of hers.  In one of them she's a little baked, the other two are beach phots where blowing sand has her eyes squinting. 

Took a few screengrabs of Malala Yousafzai which might yield good portraits if I ever get around to them.  Could be used to promote my work, and are not especially easy to draw but not challenging either.  Not excited about the actual drawing of them.

I also have two screen grabs from Weird Science, but they have such low resolution that if I attempt to use them I'll have to fake it and guess the details.  One has Dana at a mall rocking a serious Pat Benatar look, with attitude, smoking a joint or cigarette end.  If I could just make out her eyes and  the placement of her fingers, there's potential for a really good portrait here.