Mom just went to the hospital. Her knee has needed replacing for some years now but the doctors decided she couldn't survive the surgery. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and her last appointment they said stage 4. That's maybe 6 months...and that was two months ago. Could be longer or could be a lot less. Everyone is telling me she looks a lot paler lately. I've noticed she eats even less.
I have no survival plan. No money and will have no home. No intention of living like that. My countdown clock is on.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
If I'm awake
Being involved in a play at Franklin felt more like home to me - more like belonging - than I've ever felt anywhere else (the week I spent with Jesseca in upstate New York was a different kind of heaven).
I attended the grand reopening of the remodeled Franklin. Had hoped I'd meet anyone I knew but no luck. Saw a woman who might have been Kristina Burley, or not. At any rate, she had Kris' eyes and smile. Shape of her face was right. Kris always had angelic eyes. Also saw someone who could have been Jacquie Williams. I guess I'm glad I went, I enjoyed seeing the school...but it was also a lonely experience wandering through, alone and no one to speak with. The locations of both my past and my dreams have been wiped away. I walked down the stairs to the cafeteria recalling the dream in which I reunited with her there...and it only led to an empty hall of classroom doors. The student commons is now where the parking lot was where I first saw her smoking a cigarette.
I think Dana was subscribed to the FB page for Franklin alumni but I don't want to look.
Didn't get to see the Green Room. Nice new stage though. It is now at the opposite end of the building. Comfortable auditorium seats, very nice...which means I'd no longer be able to conquer them as I used to, draping myself over them in ease. I might be the only student Franklin ever had who actually enjoyed auditions. BTW, casting call was posted in the hallway for Hamlet.
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Trying to draw, or paint. That helps keep depression at bay during the task, but depression robs one of the energy and drive to actually do it. I feel overwhelmed by just getting by, hard to get my head above water. Jesseca's birthday is imminent.
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9/10/17 5 in the morning, can't fall back asleep. Went to bed at 1:30. Dana finally appeared in a dream.
We're at Franklin - the dream posits us as somewhere inbetween both the adults we are now and still students, apparently, still attending. The school day has ended, a schoolful of us are leaving, many are staying. It's more like a college that will remain open and active well into the night. Dana walks ahead of me - I never see her face. We head to an exit in the drama wing, someone is singing, rehearsing. It's not an especially pleasant sound, but I don't care much for the song itself, the music. The sound is muffled as we step out into the dark of evening and the door closes behind us. It's been raining. "Oh, that's better." I joke, referring to the silencing of the music. "Is it?", she replies coolly, apparently thinking it was an asshole thing for me to say. She's not impressed. I've just made a snide, superior diss of someone with talent, trying their best* We're in the parking lot. I'll be walking, she heads for her car. As I still need something in the building, I walk the length of the lot...thinking that I should have looked to see what kind of car she owns so I could watch for it. One drives past in the dark, exiting the school grounds, but it can't be here as she hasn't had time to get in and start the motor. My heart is aching - why can I not turn and tell her I love her? She's right here and I'm letting her slip through my fingers! I cannot break out of the script. She's in a play downtown, I'll go see here there (Dammit, why can't I turn and ask her what the name of the thing is - or where??) As I move, I wonder at the cigarette in my mouth. Why is it in my mouth? I don't smoke. Oh...I guess I chew them as a habit grown out of using them as a pose. I keep them in my mouth because she smokes. I dunno, do I want her to see me like that or not? I take it out of my mouth but can't seem to flick it away. I reach the sidewalk and turn to merge with the crowd that is entering one of the front doors. In my peripheral vision I see the headlights of her car move across the lot as she backs out of a space. Then the building cuts off the view. There may have been more as I walked inside, possibly some interaction with or an overheard remark by a younger student...I want something at the office, but the school has been remodeled and I no longer know where the office is. There also may have been something forgotten at the dream's intro as well, I can only recall the coldness and crushing loneliness of Dana's presence.
Then I woke up and remembered. There won't be any seeing her at her work or in any play. Haven't been able to go back to sleep.
*Now that I type it up, I remember someone from school who had exactly that attitude. Smug, superior, better than everyone else, contemptuous of others. Wasn't me, but someone we both knew. I'm acting like him in the dream.
Is this what my dreams with Dana will be like now? Dreams of bitterness and regret. She wasn't my friend in the dream, she didn't even like me much. Her picture here, I still ask her to marry me as if ESP worked that way. The words ring hollow, there's no hope in them anymore. If she asked me to forgive her, I would. I never will without her asking.
The smoke of the forest fires has lessened but still makes my eyes dry and itchy. Portland has never had them so close before in my memory, within the city boundaries. Some six or seven years ago the fires in the hills of L.A. had me worried for Dana's property though I'd no idea whether she actually still lived there. Jesseca cast a spell of protection for Dana's house just in case.
I love you, Dana. You're a coward and you broke my heart the way no one else ever could. But I'll always be in love with you.
Current song: "Am I Awake", They Might Be Giants
I attended the grand reopening of the remodeled Franklin. Had hoped I'd meet anyone I knew but no luck. Saw a woman who might have been Kristina Burley, or not. At any rate, she had Kris' eyes and smile. Shape of her face was right. Kris always had angelic eyes. Also saw someone who could have been Jacquie Williams. I guess I'm glad I went, I enjoyed seeing the school...but it was also a lonely experience wandering through, alone and no one to speak with. The locations of both my past and my dreams have been wiped away. I walked down the stairs to the cafeteria recalling the dream in which I reunited with her there...and it only led to an empty hall of classroom doors. The student commons is now where the parking lot was where I first saw her smoking a cigarette.
I think Dana was subscribed to the FB page for Franklin alumni but I don't want to look.
Didn't get to see the Green Room. Nice new stage though. It is now at the opposite end of the building. Comfortable auditorium seats, very nice...which means I'd no longer be able to conquer them as I used to, draping myself over them in ease. I might be the only student Franklin ever had who actually enjoyed auditions. BTW, casting call was posted in the hallway for Hamlet.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Trying to draw, or paint. That helps keep depression at bay during the task, but depression robs one of the energy and drive to actually do it. I feel overwhelmed by just getting by, hard to get my head above water. Jesseca's birthday is imminent.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
9/10/17 5 in the morning, can't fall back asleep. Went to bed at 1:30. Dana finally appeared in a dream.
We're at Franklin - the dream posits us as somewhere inbetween both the adults we are now and still students, apparently, still attending. The school day has ended, a schoolful of us are leaving, many are staying. It's more like a college that will remain open and active well into the night. Dana walks ahead of me - I never see her face. We head to an exit in the drama wing, someone is singing, rehearsing. It's not an especially pleasant sound, but I don't care much for the song itself, the music. The sound is muffled as we step out into the dark of evening and the door closes behind us. It's been raining. "Oh, that's better." I joke, referring to the silencing of the music. "Is it?", she replies coolly, apparently thinking it was an asshole thing for me to say. She's not impressed. I've just made a snide, superior diss of someone with talent, trying their best* We're in the parking lot. I'll be walking, she heads for her car. As I still need something in the building, I walk the length of the lot...thinking that I should have looked to see what kind of car she owns so I could watch for it. One drives past in the dark, exiting the school grounds, but it can't be here as she hasn't had time to get in and start the motor. My heart is aching - why can I not turn and tell her I love her? She's right here and I'm letting her slip through my fingers! I cannot break out of the script. She's in a play downtown, I'll go see here there (Dammit, why can't I turn and ask her what the name of the thing is - or where??) As I move, I wonder at the cigarette in my mouth. Why is it in my mouth? I don't smoke. Oh...I guess I chew them as a habit grown out of using them as a pose. I keep them in my mouth because she smokes. I dunno, do I want her to see me like that or not? I take it out of my mouth but can't seem to flick it away. I reach the sidewalk and turn to merge with the crowd that is entering one of the front doors. In my peripheral vision I see the headlights of her car move across the lot as she backs out of a space. Then the building cuts off the view. There may have been more as I walked inside, possibly some interaction with or an overheard remark by a younger student...I want something at the office, but the school has been remodeled and I no longer know where the office is. There also may have been something forgotten at the dream's intro as well, I can only recall the coldness and crushing loneliness of Dana's presence.
Then I woke up and remembered. There won't be any seeing her at her work or in any play. Haven't been able to go back to sleep.
*Now that I type it up, I remember someone from school who had exactly that attitude. Smug, superior, better than everyone else, contemptuous of others. Wasn't me, but someone we both knew. I'm acting like him in the dream.
Is this what my dreams with Dana will be like now? Dreams of bitterness and regret. She wasn't my friend in the dream, she didn't even like me much. Her picture here, I still ask her to marry me as if ESP worked that way. The words ring hollow, there's no hope in them anymore. If she asked me to forgive her, I would. I never will without her asking.
The smoke of the forest fires has lessened but still makes my eyes dry and itchy. Portland has never had them so close before in my memory, within the city boundaries. Some six or seven years ago the fires in the hills of L.A. had me worried for Dana's property though I'd no idea whether she actually still lived there. Jesseca cast a spell of protection for Dana's house just in case.
I love you, Dana. You're a coward and you broke my heart the way no one else ever could. But I'll always be in love with you.
Current song: "Am I Awake", They Might Be Giants
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